5/6/13 -- The Next Big Step

 

The past weeks have been packed.  I'm going to have to send a couple of posts to cover everything so when you see a second and maybe a third post from me in the next few days, it isn't spam and it isn't a mistake.

Spring has come to the northwest.  Yesterday we had a high of 80 degrees.  Today we have sun again and a high of 86.  It feels so good to sit out on our funny little deck bathed in warm breezes and surrounded by flowers.  Our little yew tree has new growth and the rosemary plant on our bistro table is blooming.  The "purple passion rhody" sat on the altar at our wedding (yes, wedding -- but more to come on that). 

Our deck is 4' wide and 20' long with a 6' privacy fence around it. 
It's like a little room without a ceiling. 
When we sit out there, Rocky the flying squirrel comes and visits us.

We installed a potting shed at the end of the deck.  Well, really it's a closet with shelves, created by Rubbermaid.  It's 6' tall, 2.5' wide and about 1.5' deep.  I'm going to build a potting bench to sit next to it....sometime.  I have the materials and I did start it but we've had so much going on that everything else has gotten put on hold. 

The biggest news requires a bit of background.  Some time ago, the Washington State Legislature passed the Marriage Equality Act, giving all people the right to marry in this state, including same gender couples like us.  The church we attend was very active in working to get this bill passed.  Later, folks who were unhappy about giving everybody the same civil rights got busy.  A judge issued a judgment that put everything on hold.  That's how things stood when we got here.

Last fall our journeys took us to visit Adina's cousin Jim and Nancy in Port Angeles.  That's where we proudly registered to vote and to sign the petitions for a Referendum last fall.  We felt a lot of pride later in November at the first election in our new home when we voted for civil rights for everyone, even us.

In April, we decided to have a church wedding and become legally married.  That seems so impossible, even as I write it.  All our adult lives, both Adina and I worked for civil rights for GLBT people but we thought we were working for the future, that maybe our granddaughter's children would see it happen. 

This part of our journey continues to amaze me.  When we went downtown to get our marriage license, they treated us like "just people."  The woman who took our paperwork was full of congratulations and joy.  She told us with pride about how she voted for our civil rights.  The same thing happened as we ordered our cake. 

Some of you have seen bits and pieces from the wedding but I am including some new pictures and a more complete story of our special day.  Thanks to Theckchen for videos and to Omega, our adopted boy, for being our Excellent Photographer.

75 people joined us a week ago on Sunday afternoon, 4/28/13, to help us celebrate our 23 years together and to see Adina and I legally married.  It really happened!  Our son Pete stood up for me and our granddaughter Kelsey stood up for Adina.  It was a beautiful ceremony, full of joy and amazement for us.

Adina and I, Kelsey and Pete all lined up before the wedding,
ready to walk in,  bursting with excitement.

Pastor Brooks gave a homily.  The church was beautiful. 
The committee that makes banners dedicated a new one that morning, called "Sisterhood." 
It hangs on the left and depicts three women dancing. 
We were so happy that it was part of our wedding.

If you want to see some video clips of our wedding, check these links.   A few of you have already seen them.  The first is a clip of Adina and I reading from Song of Songs (Song of Solomon).  We end it with a toast and then I drop something.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=VIMPT-O_MzI

The second clip shows Adina and I during the Statement of Intent -- that's the "I do" part of the wedding.  It includes the "I do" from the congregation too, a statement of support.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2uAQSU7G1nI&list=UU4c3pFkE286lV7E4zpb49qw&index=2

Our daughter in law (for real now!!) read from Robert Fulgham's piece, "Everything I need to Know, I Learned in Kindergarten.  Our heart-sister Barbara read a piece that described the elements of a good marriage and our friend Theckchen, a Buddhist nun, gave us a blessing.  Adina is a Buddhist-Christian, holding dual citizenship in this way and it felt good to have a blessing from that tradition as well as the several varieties of Christian represented in the wedding.



After her beautiful blessing, Theckchen presented us each with a kata.
Katas are white silk blessing scarves.
Adina's Buddhist teacher, Domo Geshe Rimpoche, gave the scarves a marriage blessing
 at Lotus Lake in Wisconsin before sending them with Theckchen.

The third clip depicts Adina and I as we said our vows.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wBTQ-drSxjQ&list=UU4c3pFkE286lV7E4zpb49qw&index=1 

I also include a couple of photos below.



Our son, Pete, stands to my left as Pastor Brooks leads us through the vows.
We used the vows from our first wedding but we added "and legally married" at the end. 
It felt amazing, almost surreal and yet so right. 

Our granddaughter, Kelsey, stands to Adina's right.
Our eyes were wet as we said our vows.  Afterwards, we heard one of our church members say,
"When they cry after 23 years, you know it's real." 
We all had tears in our eyes before the ceremony was over. 

Adina's cousin Jim said afterwards that this wedding had a different flavor than when we got married (but not legally) in Wallingford Methodist Church in Seattle, 23 years ago.  He said that back then, our first wedding had an edginess to it, overtones of defiance.  It makes sense. 

When society marginalizes any group, closing the door to civil rights and acceptance, it has a terrible impact on the people in that group.  We didn't realize how we have spent most of our lives braced against homophobia and discrimination.  Our first wedding was a true wedding but it was also an act of defiance.  Although it wasn't the reason for our wedding, we also hoped to strike a small blow against the bastion of disapproval that surrounded us.  Perhaps we did.

Cousin Jim said that this wedding was pure joy and celebration, such a contrast to our first.  A lot of people from our church came as well as friends from both Oregon and Washington. 

After the final blessing, the congregation began to sing our exit song, that wonderful African hymn, "We Are Walking in the Light of God."  The last verse of the hymn was "We are dancing in the light of God."  That's when we made our way back down the aisle.


And we danced, oh, didn't we dance, down the aisle.

We weren't the only ones who danced their way out of the church.  The wedding party either walked with pride or danced their way out too.  The congregation sang and swayed to the music.  Some danced in the pews.  It was a joyful moment.

I had to giggle when I watched Teckchen and Pastor Brooks walk out together.  Uh, I mean, dance their way out of the church.  That brought a lot of smiles from the congregation too!

robes swaying, they danced
reveling in celebration
a mitzvah of joy

Everyone came to the church hall for a party afterwards and enjoyed the finger food that our friends brought for the wedding feast.  There was shrimp and salmon dip and veggies and chips and chicken salad and all sorts of great food.  They liked the cake too!  For drinks, we served punch and coffee. 

We got our cake from Winco's bakery -- chocolate cake with a raspberry filling and a creamy frosting dotted with pastel flowers and the word "Celebrate" in lavender.  We put our names on a cake 23 years ago and wanted something different this time.

I'm not posting a picture of us feeding each other -- but we did.

After the party wound down, we signed the papers that made our marriage legal.  It felt like a door opening, like reaching some new plateau, when we watched Pastor Brooks sign our LEGAL marriage certificate!   

Brooks signs certificate while hug each other and Pete watches.  What a happy moment!

So now we are legally married.  Has it made a difference?  Yes and no.  We were so thoroughly married the first time, and that hasn't changed.  But there are differences. 

Adina went to a new dentist last week.  When she filled out the forms for their files, they gave a choice: married, divorced, single...  She checked the square beside "married" and realized that, for the first time, she had that right.  It's what we fought for.  Now it's the law of the land. 

Another difference has surprised us.  Always, we have had our guard up, we have pushed to find a place to stand in the world.  We've always had to defend ourselves, explain ourselves and why it's okay to be us.  We've always been braced against rejection.  Now we find ourselves relaxing in a deep way -- for the first time in our adult lives.   
 
The affirmation and acceptance from our community is powerful.  The affirmation and acceptance from society has an even greater impact.  I didn't know it would feel like this.  I've never known how it felt, to feel safe enough to relax into just being in society.  Adina says the same.  What a gift!

Everyone we meet has a story about how they supported the marriage equality law, about how they love and support their gay friends and family members.  Day before yesterday, another lesbian couple from our church got married.  They took a page from our book and danced up the aisle as well as out of the church.  What an expression of celebration and joy.

Everyone looks at marriage differently.  A lot of couples, gay and straight, don't get married at all any more.  In my youth, that was a great shame.  Now, it's fine.  For us, we wanted to marry. 

We talked to one lesbian couple who came to our wedding.  They aren't going to get married, even though they could now.  One of them said to me, "We supported Marriage Equality and voted for it but we don't want to get married.  What is important, what we accomplished, is that now, we have a choice.  It's important to have a choice."

I couldn't agree more.  In all sorts of life-arenas, it's important to have a choice. 

Theckchen stayed with us for a week and we played tourist.  We showed her some of the beauty of our new home -- up the Gorge and into the mountains.  I took lots of pictures but that's for my next blog post. 

Watch for it!